This week, I was a bad mom. Monday was hard, by far my hardest day. I snapped and today I feel guilty. Motherhood is hard. I don’t think people tell you that there are going to be dark days, days full of anger, resentment, and helplessness. I had another post planned but decided this post was needed. Today I’m getting real, today I’m sharing with you the good, the bad, and the ugly on motherhood and answers to frequently asked questions.
Mondays and Fridays are my days off of work which means those are the days that I need to tackle my to-do list which usually consists of laundry, cleaning the house, running errands, writing blog posts, working on some behind-the-scenes tasks for XO, Alexis, and any other miscellaneous chores. This week, that didn’t happen. Henry woke up extremely fussy, didn’t want to be sat down, and I couldn’t console him. I was a bad mom. He finally dozed off in the late afternoon, after hours of being fussy and needy, so I decided to get up and start a really nice home-cooked meal, roasted chicken with lemon and herbs and scalloped potatoes. Of course, Henry decided to have another fit while I was in the middle of the recipe. There was something inside of me that snapped and I snapped at my son.
I yelled at my son, at my 9-week old son. What kind of person does that? What kind of person yells at an infant? As soon as I snapped at him the guilt flooded me. I felt like the absolute worst person and immediately started to cry. Before Henry, being emotional wasn’t something that happened to me. Of course, I’d get upset and frustrated but the uncontrollable sobbing wasn’t something that I did. This was different and this was deep.
I took Henry up to our room, placed him in his Rock-N-Play, turned on the ceiling fan and his country music and I sat at the top of our stairs and cried uncontrollably. I thought about this new chapter in my life, thought about the frustrations that were bothering me that I didn’t realize were that strong, thought about how my infant can’t control his emotions, and I thought about being better.
In comparison, the bad days are nothing compared to the ugly days. The bad days consists of a messy house, dishes piled on the counter, the dishwasher clean but still full, a week’s worth of laundry piled in the bathroom, the previous week’s laundry stacked in your room, and not showering. While these might not seem like anything to fret over, it’s hard to adjust to a life where the house is a mess and laundry never gets done. Not all weeks are like this but there are some weeks that result in only fast food for dinner. Accepting this is a challenge and learning to embrace the mess is an even bigger challenge.
Not only are there weeks that the house is a mess that causes me to lose my sh*t, but there are days where Brad and I do nothing but argue. Between the exhaustion from the lack of sleep and our crazy, busy schedules, we snap and have arguments. Our marriage isn’t perfect, nobody’s is, but we do the best we can. We argue, go to bed, and wake up the next morning and tackle the day. Communicating is key in our marriage. Also, not going to bed mad at each other is important to us, it’s a lesson we’ve learned about each other. We both feel strongly about giving each other a kiss goodnight, saying ‘I love you’, and going to sleep, even if the situation isn’t resolved.
Of course, the good is the best part of motherhood. There’s nothing better than cuddling Henry and watching him grow. I absolutely love how his personality is developing and how his face lights up when he hears mine or Brad’s voice. It’s such a great reassurance that we are doing something right.
While I pointed out that the bad days can consist of Brad and I arguing, our marriage has become stronger. Motherhood has allowed me to grow as a person. Not only do I feel that I’ve matured greatly but I also feel that motherhood has allowed me to find the real me. Motherhood has given me the confidence that I’ve lacked and it’s given me this sense of courage.
Frequently Asked Questions About Motherhood:
How do you balance everything?
Ha, I don’t. I believe in faking it until I make it and that’s what I’m doing. I’m working on a blog post with some tips and tricks on how to try to balance everything.
Did you suffer from postpartum depression?
This is one of those tricky questions. I discussed my mental status postpartum in Henry’s 2-month update.
How do you get a baby on a schedule?
Practice, practice, and practice. While there are many books out there to help you get your baby on a schedule, I recommend trying different options that work for your schedule. Brad and I made the decision to create a nighttime routine when Henry was 5 weeks old and so far, it’s working for us (knock on wood). I’ll be sharing more about our routine soon so stay tuned!
Are you breastfeeding?
No, I’m not. Honestly, I find this to be a rude question that I get asked way too often. While I made the decision to not breastfeed, others don’t get to make that decision, the universe does. Friends of mine had their hopes so high to breastfeed only to find out that they couldn’t due to a low supply and/or their milk not coming in. This was devastating to them. Again, this didn’t happen to me, but what if it did. What if it was a reoccurring frustration that arose every time someone asked this question. All I ask is to think twice before you ask questions and leave the judgment behind when the words leave your mouth. My opinion is that fed is best and my son is happy and healthy.
PIN FOR LATER!
Motherhood is hard. The good days are great and the bad days are bad, but the ugly days, well the ugly days, are the ugliest. As much as I hate to be vulnerable and share my ugly day, I felt that I had to. I felt that I had to share that behind pretty pictures are people struggling. I choose to post the pretty pictures because the pretty pictures help my mood and help me remember the good days. Just remember that the next time you are scrolling through Instagram. People have their own reasons for posting all the pretty, curated content but everyone struggles with their own demons.
What are your motherhood struggles?
How do you manage the ugly days?
Do you have questions on motherhood or life with a newborn?